Sens unveil new line of nightgowns.

2007-08-23T02:13:00.000-02:30

At least, that's what I'm hoping. They can't seriously be using this crap as the new jerseys, right? I mean, by all reports, they spent three years designing these new Reebok sweaters. This can't be what they decided on! This must be some sort of prototype done by the Scotiabank Place's head janitor's four year old daughter. A fucking chimpanzee with down sydrome could create a better jersey. If I shat in a green bowl, then finger-painted with my shit on a canvas made of woven umbilical cords, it would look better than this. Paris Hilton's vagina is better looking than this sweater. If RuPaul and Boy George had a love child who spent a night with George Michael and Michael Jackson, that kid would still not be screwed up enough to like these jerseys. If you gave Stephen Harper a bottle of Wolf Blass Chardonnay, some crayons, and 20 minutes, you'd have a better design for a sweater.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "SP, you put forth a good argument. It is a hideous jersey. But I can't really put my finger on why." Fear not, for I will tell you exactly why you think they suck balls. Let's break it down here.

The arms. The worst part of this shitrag called a jersey. They couldn't have intentionally chose to have this bullshit design, could they? It looks like they randomly throw colours on a white shirt and decided to go with that. I think Roy Mlakar lost a bet or something, and this was his punishment. It looks like we have fucking elbow pads. Which are useful, of course, if we're getting reamed in the ass. Carpet burns aren't good for anyone. But is that really what we want opponents thinking about when we're going up against them? What we're so used to getting loved in the butt that we need elbow pads? Of course, it might be helpful if we're playing the Leafs, they'd get distracted, but we don't really need help kicking the shit out of Toronto right now anyway. Also, doesn't God say that men loving each other in their asses is a sin? Dean McAmmond and Mike Fisher must be very upset with this.
Oh, and just so I don't get a shitload of hatemail, I don't have a problem with homosexuality. I just think, in a sport such as hockey, we should be giving pink socks, not getting them.

Onto the torso of the jersey. I think this lovely picture, created by some jackass buttnugget on SensNation.com named John Connor, conveys my opinion of it fairly well. It's a goddamn dress. Look at the fucking thing. Did they somehow forget that part of the jersey? It's fucking blank. With that bullshit 3-D logo in the middle. How fucking half-assed is this effort? Maybe a goddamn stripe along the bottom? I could put on this jersey, a thong, grab one of my woman's purses and go get ass in any gay bar in the country. I would be pretty as all fuck. I didn't think anything other than a frilly pink blouse could make Brian McGrattan look like a pansy bitch, but these fucking jerseys have done it.

And now we come to these godforsaken motherfucking socks. I can't put into words how awful this fucking sheaths of turd are. I almost prefer the wedding dress style McGrattan is rocking to this crap. I pride myself on being able to ramble inanely about stupid crap, with more than a spattering of expletives, but I honestly have nothing to say. They are that bad. The aforementioned mentally-challenged monkey would likely scratch at his eyes until his retinas evolved legs and ran the fuck away at the sight of this. If a Catholic Priest was in bed with a choir boy, and we flashed this picture to him, he would immediately lose wood.

But I have to give the Senators organization some credit. They didn't completely fuck everything up. The throwback shoulder patch? All kinds of awesome. This is how it should be done. The NHL forced all the teams to use these shitty Reebok jerseys, combining the future with the past, as this logo does, is the perfect way to design these sweaters. Hats off to the Rangers, Red Wings and Bruins, who used a classical design with the new jersey style. Looks fantastic. Too bad the guys that did the rest of the Senators jersey were dumb as fuck.

Now, I know you you all have one final question. "You're absolutely correct (and undeniably sexy), SP. Now, who do I bitch to about this crap?" Well, you have a couple options there. The first, is the designer of the logo, Acart Communications. Harassment can be directed to either their phone number (613) 230-7944, or to their e-mail address, results@acart.com. Now, the press release only specified that they did the logo, so they aren't the only ones responsible for this garbage. The Senators Organization obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about their fans, so this is likely an exercise in futility, but you can contact them at feedback@ottawasenators.com.

In conclusion, fuck Acart Communications, fuck the Ottawa Senators brass, fuck Martin Gerber, and fuck Wade Redden.

Go Sens Go,
Sucker Punch

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Sens unveil new line of nightgowns.